P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
