so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
