To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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