if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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