I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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