I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
