she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
