those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
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What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
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So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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