What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
