I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
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