I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
