he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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