He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize