I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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