i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
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The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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