He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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