Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
