I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
