I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
