Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
