Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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