and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
