remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
FUCK WHALES
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
