four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
