I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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