So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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