I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
