I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
