We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
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I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
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"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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