Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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