Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
