I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
