Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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