I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
