I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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