The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
