One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
