it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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