I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
