I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
