Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
