Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
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I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
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I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.