apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.