She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
ttyl tear gas
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.