your parents love me but you hate me
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
