I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
