someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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