I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
