New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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