he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
