i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
