I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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