I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
