If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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