Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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