that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
