I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
