I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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